The Exhausted

“You guys don’t seem yourselves. You just seem like you are on edge or are gritting your teeth all the time.”

That is a confession one of our best friends made to us this afternoon. All I could do was agree with him. My husband and I HAVE felt like we are on edge or are unhappy. And unfortunately, it’s based upon a decision my husband, myself, and God made together. To foster children in our home.

We are exhausted. It’s not what we thought it was going to be. We knew it would be hard, but we didn’t realize we would feel as though we didn’t have any brain cells left at the end of every day. We are currently fostering a 4-year-old little boy who is currently in full guardianship of the state. We thought this is the way God wanted us to help others and grow our family. We tried other options before realizing this was our path to go on. So, for months we took classes, mentally prepared, completed a home study, and waited until just the right time and child came along. It took about 6 months for everything to be completed and for us to get this special little guy.

Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world.

James 1:27

He’s cute. He’s adorable. He’s smart. But he’s also entitled, spoiled, argumentative, aggressive, manipulative, and impulsive. He sometimes scares me with his actions. We feel as though we constantly have to be on guard and to be vigilant in order to protect both ourselves and our home. He has been in our home for almost four months. These four months have been really, really hard months, and after a lot of praying, we came to the conclusion that we are not supposed to adopt him. It was a hard choice. It was something I felt very unsure about. Because how are we supposed to grow our family through foster care if we don’t adopt?

I don’t know what God’s plan is for our lives. I don’t know what will become of me and my family, but I do know that God is with me through each day. I also know he holds the future in his hands, and for that I am very thankful.

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Jeremiah 29:11